I played that record all night.

One year ago, I could still wake up at 10am without worrying about being late for anything else other than classes and assignments. Those were the most beautiful days of mine during my late teenage years. Endless time spent with friends and mates, being fearlessly towards uncertainties and never lost faith in myself.

Before you even notice how fast the time has passed, the ambiguity behinds everything tore down the wall of confidence and hope. That was the time when I woke up wearing that big black robe, realizing that I’ll be stepping into the one and only existing world – Reality. No one can never run from it, no matter how much fear everyone has in their heart, the Reality will still be waiting you after every getaway. The Reality, the Working world which teaches you about true responsibilities, interpersonal relationships and others important aspects in life.

But I know I have something in me, that’ll I’ve learned to treasure and embrace – my childishness. I’m playful and I know I’ll always want to explore more and more in everything. And I’ll admit that I’m blur under certain circumstances. I used to tell myself to be mature all the time and childishness is unacceptable. But then I realized that it’s not possible for me to deny and hide my naughty yet very-me side all time. So I chose to only show it in front of my love ones.

It’s almost the end of 2011. Maybe, you’ll wait for my review post of the year? =]

The Confession, by yours sincerely.

I’ve came across a few blogs which happened to post about their new engagement with their long-term boyfriend, whom is now their fiancé. One of the proposal actually got posted on 9gag ’cause the guy actually proposed using memes (How I wish I’ll have something similar because you have no idea how much I’m addicted to 9gag and memes)! Another one is not so great but it’s still sweet enough to read that proposal post.

I’m not trying to say that I wish to be proposed (Too young too young, though I have friends who are married and have kids already) but the fact that I have not constantly update about my life here – the one place that I’ve always felt like it’s safe to split my darkest secret, uncontrollable mood swings, wacky ideas and undeniable real story of mine. Reading people’s blog made me realized how much I’ve withdrew from my blog since I’ve left university.

You will come to me.

It’s midnight. And the reason I’m still here, typing my random thoughts here is because I just had my heavy late dinner a few hours ago. So I’m here to digest my mind and tummy.

My younger sister has just got back from her party with her college mates. I can see that she had a fun time with her mates, with some special moments with one of her guy friend. He showed special and extra attention on her just now, asking her to leave early so no one will lay hands on her when everyone else is seriously drunk. And sister noticed that he did not tell any of the other girls about that.

It reminds me of those young times that I had before. Come to think of that, I don’t remember any of those moments either. I just remember the feeling of being cared and pampered by the guy whom I was sort of interested in (yea, sis sort of interested in that guy, now and before? XD).

One step closer, to you and I.

I’m trying to look at this whole situation in her shoes.

What will I do? How will I take this? Why will I behave like this? Being a mother of a child, I know for sure I want the best for my kid.

But, it doesn’t mean that I’ll take control over their life.

This life that I’ve been living for 22 years, I’m lucky enough to have my parents who love me by understanding and trusting their daughter. I’m fortunate to have my own rights in making important decisions. I’m grateful that I’ve learned unpleasant and hurtful lessons throughout my life. I’m glad to be who I am now because my experiences made me better and shaped me to become this daughter that my parents are proud with.

Big dream of mine.

I have been thinking a lot, which made me so sleepless lately.

I’ve gotten to the point where I do not know what I want to do in my live. All I know is “I want to be able to write what I want to write.” That’s it, I do not know how to get there by surviving in this reality first. I do know how to survive – a good enough job which give me a reasonable pay will do. Yet I have so much pride in me and my work, which has worsen the situation.

I’ve sent my resumes out to try my luck in magazine line and I was lucky enough to receive call from one of the publisher. Coming back from the interview made me even more confused. I know by becoming a writer/reporter for magazine/newspaper, I’ll be writing and I’ll keep my passion alive in a sense. But I’m just not too sure whether I’ll love travelling around to meet clients, with my blurness and clumsiness I know I’ll get lose, yet this is something I’ll need to learn. I’m not sure that by working for magazine, I’l be writing what I want to write. I’ll be happy meeting all sort of different people, if I were to work with the right magazine. I’ll be exciting to see my writing being published, yet I might also find that all those writing is not what I really want to write.

I know I’ve always have passion in creative writing, yet I can see that I can’t bring that part of me into my job. Not like I’m a famous writer which technically earn by publishing books. I can’t find the perfect job which I can really show my YY-ness. There’s no chance to find the perfect job, before I get recognize by people and can finally combine my passion with job.

I have a big dream. I have a dream which might take my whole life to achieve. I have a dream which is hard enough to achieve yet I know I have him by my side no matter what. I’m afraid that one day I’ll disappoint him, yet he told me he just want me to continue doing what I love to do. I want to achieve my dream and fear not at boundaries and obstructions.

I’ll continue searching for the right job but at the mean time I’ll make use of all the free time to write. I want to write stories, to tell people about the smallest thing in life that people have always missed out. I want to be the observer of life and be the message deliverer.

I have a BIG dream. And who cares if I will never achieve it when I know I’ve really try to make it?

Do your best to cover the tracks that I have left.

Sometimes I really thinks that our brain is so amazing in remembering things.

Especially those which you’ve thought you don’t remember at all, yet one song, one word, one sentence, a shadow, a glance, a stranger will lead those memories right back to you.

I’ve never really mention this to you, not because it matters or I don’t want you to know. It’s just that I don’t think it’s important but I will tell you now since it’s related with what I’m going to say.

The one you recently put on your list, reminds me of him sometimes. It’s just the way he speaks, the words he used, the way he thinks sometimes sound a lot like him.

And I was sitting by the dining table having my dinner when mum mention about how Bebe knows that dad is back even when dad’s car is just right across the main road. I laughed and said there’s something that he always do – put down the car window when we were across the road to let Bebe smells and knows we’re back. Everyone else didn’t have any big reaction but dad stopped for a little while and asked me why did I thought/talked about him all of the sudden.

I don’t know, it makes me felt like I wasn’t suppose to think about it but that was what went across my mind and I just thought it was nothing to say it out.

I’ve always take it as whenever I can talk about it, I’m over it.

But it just doesn’t feel like that just now. It felt it was a mistake to say it.