More than words to show that this love is real.

I’m in office right now, talking to you on msn while trying to hold back my tears.

The thought of you leaving soon somehow tear me inside. Though that I know you’re only physically gone for one year, you’re still here with me, you’re still going to be around, and I’m able to see your words, to feel you in between words, smiley and punctuations.

But it’s hard to finally come to the time when I need to accept the fact that, you’re going to 3000miles away and I’m going to be 3000miles away from you too.

what if i could hold you..?

i sometimes,
look at your picture,
know the one i’d once loved,
is not the one i’m looking at.
you know how much i hated you smoke,
i went mad and worried about you when i knew it back then,
you promised you won’t do it again,
although i don’t expect you to keep it till now,
but think again, it’s not a good thing after all,
so can you please don’t do it anymore?
i’ve once said that i can not go against your words in anything,
but just not this one, just not in this.

i’m still worried, even as a friend.

…will all these not happen?

but i can't stand by your side, and watch this life pass me by

it is like..

i’m losing everything, that you’d left for me.

they don’t look as real as it was before, when i thought back all the memories.

and why?…

those things that i once hold so strong inside, it’s all fading away..

yet again, i’m feeling helpless, for not having something to depend on.

baby you know that maybe it's time for miracle

i haven been feeling well for the whole day.

and i thought, i was going to die pass out in the toilet this very morning, which was during midnight.

i couldn’t sleep, because of all the pain. i was tired, and so i tried to ignore the pain and tried to sleep. but the pain killed me, slowly. i gave up, sat on the bed and decided to go toilet to try to warm myself up.

i spent quite a long time inside the toilet. and things didn’t went too well after all.

but then i realized something wasn’t right, things started to spin in front of me. i started to feel dizzy. so i acted as fast as i could, got out of the toilet and lied on my bed.

when thing like this happen which had happened quite a lot of time, the only thing i know is pray. i prayed, but the dizziness never goes away. i started to worry because no one knows i was not feeling well. i decided to wake up sister up. and so did i. my sister went all worry and nervous when she found out i felt like going to pass out. she went downstairs and made me cereal drink. i kept praying, prayed that i won’t pass out like that.

things continued to be that way for a long time. and all i can do was pray and try to tell myself that this is nothing. i realized i’d got low blood pressure in the morning, so maybe that was the reason. maybe my minor anemia just came back for a while. it was nothing serious. things finally went bit better around 4 something is the morning, and i fell asleep.

i don’t know why i’m having all these all of the sudden. it had been a while since the last time i felt this way. and the feeling of pass out, i would never want to try again ever since the last time i’d fainted at a hawker shop and i was lucky i didn’t hurt my head.

to prevent from low blood pressure and the minor anemia, i will have to eat, but i got no appetite at all. sighs.

let’s just hope, all these pain and the feeling of dizziness, will go away soon.

how am i supposed to feel when you're not here?

i was drinking hot coffee, it’s usually a daily routine if i were to stay at home. and then, i heard people talking, people who i don’t know their names and identities.

they said you will be leaving, before this year ends. they said you will be happy to leave, because you’d already meet everyone that you loved. they said you are weak, and they just wish that you leave without any pain.

i felt so cold, inside, or maybe was it the cooling weather? i don’t know. i don’t want to listen to what they said, i don’t want you to leave. i don’t want to lose anyone that i loved. not now, not this year, not till when i’m ready. but, what if, god is ready to take you with Him already? what if, you also wish to go with Him already? because all these that you will be leaving behind, i know it will only keep you in sorrow. and i know, deep down, the last thing i ever wish to happen to you is you leaving in pain and worry. but, do you really have to leave, one day?…

i doesn’t want to go through the pain, again. i’d just lost her, the one that i thought we will together go through our university’s life together and achieve our dream together. it’s too hard for me, losing someone that i loved, all these, can’t just everyone stay with me?

i know i’m being selfish, but please, don’t leave me behind.

if i promise to be good, will you, stay longer?

don't you know i would baby, if could.

i don’t know what to do anymore.

people are telling me the things which i know it’s true and i should seriously think about that.

but my heart tells me just go for it and not to think so much.

but still, things are not that easy after all.

it’s not just about me and him.

it’s related to the family and the society.

i’m so helpless and scared, and i feel the pressure.

i need him to tell me, it’s just going to be fine.

everything will be fine.