I guess that’s my answer to your question hun.
You’ve always ask, why did I chose to stay with him, when he didn’t treat me well.
It’s just, maybe I’m too used to it.
Being treated that way, that wasn’t the first time. And I wish it’s the last.
Chuck Bass told Eva to stay, saying everyone leaves. He told Blair that he was too stupid to believe that someone good will actually love him before he asked Eva to stay, before finding out Blair was behind all the lies.
I thought he was good enough for me to just stay and wait for miracle to happen. And everyone leaves. Those who I once loved always leave me behind, leaving me at the end of everything to only finds out the truth after so much heartaches and heartbreaks.
I actually believed and have the trust and faith between me and him.
Come to think of it, I don’t even know how did I made it through all the cold wars I had with him. I don’t even know how did I managed to gather myself after all the tearing apart to show a smiling face in front of my classmates. I don’t even know how strong I’d pretended to be to not to show people that I was weak when the one I hearted the most just walked out of my life and told me to stay away till he’s ready to come back.
I don’t even know why, that I told myself that it was meant to be and all I have to do is just hang on long enough till he returns to my life. I don’t deserve to be treated that way, but I just didn’t see it that time.
There’s always a time that I will tell myself, it’s enough to be “It’s okay, I’m used to it”.
That’ll be the time that I finally make up my mind to walk away, no matter how hurt it is for me to leave.
And after I’ve walked away, it was hurt to know he watched me walk away from everything we had together. What more to have doubts about the love we used to share, to think that it was all just one big lie. It hurts like hell to actually think that I was just a replacement, or I once be with someone who doesn’t really love me.
That’s not what I want to believe hun. I want to believe that he loved me the way I loved him, but it was just sad to not make it through because apparently things weren’t meant to be. I want to believe what he wrote was the truth, and he meant it from his heart. Yet he has the right to move on as fast as I was.
He might have moved on after he sent me that letter. He might have really fell for another girl already. But it does not change the fact that we once shared the love we had together, and it was real.
That’s what I want to believe hun.
I want to believe that it was real. I don’t want to have doubts about the “us” me and him once shared. I don’t want to think that it was all a lie. I want to wish him well and love.
He deserve someone good, someone who knows him better than I did, someone who he can share his life with, someone who he can tells everything.
Everything that happens after this, has nothing to do with me anymore. He was as hurt as I did, but I shall just put it all aside, leave it behind and not think of it anymore.
I can recall the memories and smile, but that’s all.
Life goes on.
And I have you.