I don’t always know what I want to do, but I always know what are the things that I would never do.
I always have ideas of thing that I would like to do. And I’ve always thought maybe, maybe one day I’ll just runaway and just make it happens. Yet they stays there like those mosquitoes who hunt at my house. They suck up my tasty blood and hide at a corner to wait for the food to digest then come out hunting again. And again and again. There I was, sitting at the same place and repeatedly feeding them like it doesn’t matter. But, me scratching all over the mosquitoes’ bites is something that annoys me and who wants to get all those rashes on their skin?
Yet I never do anything about it, so does all my random wishes and dreams.
I was never the one who dare to catch her dreams. Dreams always seem so far away. As I doesn’t have the guts to throw away responsibilities and commitments. I am not fearless but secretly feel afraid, worry and despair. I only seems strong outside purely because I needed to be. For myself, for my family, for everyone around me, for my own good. I wish to break down and be selfish just for once. To catch something that I think I would want to hold.
But something always hold me back before I could do anything about my jealousy for someone has done something I wish to achieve. There’s this fence blocking me from fight my own fear or answer my own questions. Maybe because my subconscious knows the best. I couldn’t never handle that me who would dare to do anything just as she wishes. I couldn’t never face that me who stares back in the mirror asking why didn’t I take the first step then everything will fall into places. I can never be that person as I’m not selfish enough to abandon what I’ve built so far. Those foundations that I thought was essential for the life I wish to own later is important. Because the reality is cruel to show me what’s at the end of the road not taken is something I can’t never take it as it is.
So I’m meant to miss those beautiful views and memories I could obtain if I walk down the road filled with my crazy dreams and wishes. I will forever stand still on the ground and watch my wing breaks as time pass by. I’m destined to look up into the grey skies to taste my own regrets when it’s dusk. My heart would probably never be at peace for carrying those wasted dreams. Eyes would be sore when it sees someone achieving what it used to want to witness.
And I would have no one to blame except me. Simply because I’m such a coward to not be a dream catcher. I have too much in me to keep me on my feet. Those dreams and wishes seems so light when I come to think of my commitments. And it hurts so much to realize there would be so many “I-would-never” in my life to slowly build and maintain a normal life in future. As I watch my life blooms with colors that I take times to choose, I still know I’m not being the best painter of life.
Because, I can never put down responsibilities from my shoulder.
But always be grateful for what I have in my hands.